Play Me

"A painter should not paint what he sees, but what will be seen."

All the things that were said and unsaid play in my head

My fantasies of you are abundant

I imagine your fingers on me

Playing me like your favorite song

As I sing the notes of unrequited adoration

With passionate whimpers and escaped moans

You feel powerful like a master conductor

As I cry your name out in broken whispers

You played me again, oh how I do not want it to end

Because I know I won't see you for a long while by your choice

So I try to spend a few more minutes in your presence but you push me back into my case

And lock it up until you need to feel my curves and hear my unique music again

If you'd peek inside my case more than once a month

You'd see I'm patiently waiting to be thought of by you

To be looked at with your sparkling blue eyes

To be held by your masculine rough yet vulnerable sweet hands

Gift me to someone else if you are not going to learn me, but please learn me

If I'm ever in someone elses possession, you'll never be wiped clean

Your essence will forever haunt my strings

I am made to be strung with fingers that touch with meaning, like you do

And to be held under a chin like yours

Do not push me in my case and lock me away

Play with me, play for me, play me

Music is not just music with you

What have we done?

My body is different than what your used to. However you have to admit it's more fun, more to do. I am like an amusement park ride as you glide in between my breasts with your delicious stick. Thinking of you makes in between my legs throb, you make my juices dance like a flash mob. Yea I'm crazy feeling you, not only for your looks, but your love of books, for your cool style, your smile that's a mile, your shy glances, and extremely undercover advances, your inner demon, your hot seamen, your unsureness, your perfect kiss, that tasty Thai dish. Yea I'm sitting over here making wish after wish that you see me trying, so we can go flying over an over into space going past home run base. Fuck your walls, I'll go go gadget over them and grab your balls, to make you see I'm telling you you're so for me. I'm intense yes but what am I supposed to do when you do me so good, it makes me lose my mind and it's on constant rewind. Your slow pace is romantic, but I go a little frantic waiting for your next move. What do I do? Bother you? Look for a clue? Tell you?....ahh I want to let you in all the way so bad, I don't want just the butterflies, I want the whole zoo. Are you being shy, don't know how to say goodbye? Are you still interested or you don't want to get anymore invested? Are you closed off but not to an ex? Is it just about getting you some sex? My intuition says no but my heart says stop, he's not giving the all systems go. Red flags wave but I still want to pave the way to save us both from black hearts.

I felt it

I revealed a vulnerable side of myself that night, some pain hidden in my mind.  He looked at me longer than usual, like he really just realized something about me.  For a split second, I wondered what the look was about. Then I just knew.  I smiled and kept his eye contact until he broke it.  In that moment, I felt like he understood me without even saying a word.  He wanted to get up and hug me and make me feel better.  He wanted to show that he cared about me, but again his insecurities won.  He might never tell me what he feels for me, but I felt it and that was good enough for me in that moment.

Get drunk but don't forget today

The man stood in front of me, eyes widened, he was frightened, I was terrified.
I knew it was him or me.
He said something in another language, while he was fumbling with reloading his rifle.
I had to make that choice, kill him or let him kill me.

If only I had spoken his language, maybe we could have made a taboo truce and walked away.

I pulled the trigger, I will never forget the scream that bounced off the trees into my ears. The pain I inflicted brought instant guilt and sorrow for a stranger who was just defending inflated pride.

We both were inflated and brainwashed thinking our side was right. We both were just doing what we'd been told to do. But who told me to kill a young man in cold blood for what ended up in vain? I knelt down beside him and held his hand. He looked at me with confusion, said something I wished I could have deciphered, and then the glaze over happened. I cried for him and his family that loved him.

He was my first casualty from my unhappy trigger finger. I'll never forget his face, etched into my subconscious forever. Even on my deathbed, I will forever remember him and his sacrifice for his country and our country.

This is how I see you

Your eyes entice me like a warm blue iceberg,

Melting me from the inside out,

Turning my liquid juices into hot lava,

Making my chest beat like a tropical drum.

Your smile radiates light into my eyes,

Turning the dark brown into golden fire embers,

Sparkling sunshine through my brainwaves,

Making my head elevate into the sky.

Your touch zaps electric currents into my veins,

Shocking my blood into a rapid boil,

Jolting my skin with waves of heat ripples,

Making invisible scorching passion scars.

Your kiss feels like a perfect puzzle piece to my mouth,

Magnetic chemicals pull our lips  together into a lock,

Sending my mind to a vacation to oblivion,

Making my tongue feel like it's being deep fried.

Your style is as cool as the snowcap of a mountain top,

Never dripping down the sides, only glistening in the sun.

Your stature beams silent strength of a 100 men,

Making you the zen master controlling mindfulness, patience, and inner chaos.

When our bodies connect and we sway like musical notes,

Our minds completely quiet down while they take flight,

Soaring into a dimension of blissful unconsciousness,

Making our shy souls turn into ravaging beasts. 

Your sweet old soul outnumbers a million or more males alive,

It instantly befriended my old soul without any needed introduction.

I see them dance around the room while our bodies grind, 

Making their own music within each other intertwined. 

Magic Woods

I find the woods rather romantic, especially under stars

Grow together

I made this video thinking of the kind of love that I want

To never stop growing together, like a tree

Honeyfill

When you're on top of me, sliding your tongue and manhood in and out of me, it's like you are thick golden honey dripping into every crevice and hole on my skin filling my body with hot sticky nectar.  Your delicious manly residue stays with me for days and I can taste your sweetness heavy on my lips like a layer of white gooey icing melting down a warm red velvet cake.

Fairytale Stumped

I really love fairytales and all things Disney.  I am always wishing on stars and believing in a true love.   It doesn't mean I need a total Prince Charming to worship the ground I walk on like in the movies.  I just want one man to realize I make him feel happy, excited, content, and alive again, make him think I was made only for him.  To make that person realize love is really a beautiful thing and not something to shun. Just one person out of all the millions in the world who would want to make me smile and want to know how my day was, everyday.  It's really simple to keep me happy, he'd have to be loyal, be consistent, do what he says he's going to do, give me a little gentle push when I'm feeling self conscious, and hold me when I'm sad or struggling.  If I have that, I would give that person my soul and everything in me like no other.  I could make that person believe in fairytales, then conquer the kingdom together, through the good and the bad.  My heart is going to explode if I can't give to a love like that. I want to turn the stone to lava, and make him hot from head to heart and curl his toes with deep passion, and only for each other.  That would be my version of a fairytale.

Must be me

I'm the common denominator in every failed love attempt.

What am I doing wrong?

It's hell for a romantic like me to not be able to give my passionate love to someone special.

But in that, it's even romantic.

I think the wind blowing in the tress, the way a person walks towards their lover, the sounds of a couple laughing together, it's all romantic to me.

I don't even have unrealistic fairytale expectations in a relationship.

I expect loyalty, honesty, passion, humor, playfulness, supporting each other's dreams and consistency.

Is that too hard?

Why am I so hard to love?

I give good love and always willing to improve it.

What is it about me that no one can give that to me?

What curse did I fall upon?

What deal did I do in my past life?

Am I playing the game of romance wrong?

Am I such a beast?

I don't need the movie romance, it's not real.

Or is it?

My sensible side is always fighting with my hopeless romantic side about this topic.

I must have been such a bad person in past lives.

That's even romantic to me.

Mid Springs Night

I slice away mornings and let my
      evenings burn wild

Summer winds like love songs run by me
      and dance in my tendrils

Red blossoming bouquets grow full from
      heavenly laced dirt

Avenues of people consumed by showers
      of star bright skies

Minutes stagger by like a fairytale
      through a brass hour glass

Streams of water instantly
      pure on my tongue

Skin illuminated with moon glow
      make my soul warm, smiling, and floating

Miss Understood

I feel that I cannot say or do anything that will not be misunderstood. 
However, in saying this, I have said something and that too will be misunderstood. 
Even saying nothing will be misunderstood.

Round n Round We Go

you pump me like a pulmonary vein
you drill me like a military campaign
you blow me like a weather vane in a hurricane
you plow me as if I'm your last germinating grain
but then
you get too busy like a interstate lane
you lie to me like an advertising campaign
you sometimes feel like acid rain with the mark of Cain
your temper
it is a sudden sprain and feels like a face full of butane
you confuse my visceral brain like it's drunk on champagne
you send my mind, body, and soul into a nervous strain
you detain my wrists like a watch chain laced with cocaine
your evil glare resembles a cocky Great Dane
then you apologize and it feels like I'm floating on waves of mary jane
and then you say things to me like, "Your image, graven on my heart" by Mark Twain
and that I "will always maintain control of your left and right brain"
ahhh, I feel a tickle in my body when you say, "Your eyes make me insane"
then i feel like you've whisked me away on a jet plane to a castle in Spain
like you're the king and I'm the queen of your pleasure domain
and then you say, "My love for you remains like a freight train"
i cringe, because then i know the morning is close and the cycle is about to repeat again
love hate love hate round and round we go

Talking is art

Talking is like
    a sculpture,
      forming words
        precisely,
          taking pauses,
            to think which path
              to take, elegantly
                 smoothing out
                   any hesitations.

Walkaway today?

Behind such a beautiful face lies demons and self disgrace.
Such sweetness in his lips, mouth, eyes.
When will you give my love a try?
It hurts when he whispers goodbyes.
Please stay, I say, but he goes anyway.

Just give me morphine

Written Jan 2004

I'm in a love coma.  I cannot move or function.  All I do is think of you.  Why? How?  Tingles constantly go up my spine, in my head, a lump forms in my throat, but I cannot cry anymore.  Nothing can stop these thoughts I have.  They are all of you.  I cannot figure out this puzzle in my head, I can't figure out how to get of this couch and live my life again.  I feel dead.  I can't breath or think any happy thoughts.  All I do is die over and over.  I can't figure out why you sound so happy and I am in my own hell of a prison.  Wasn't I a good girl?  Didn't I treat you so good?  Don't I deserve happiness?  Why do you deserve to be free of agony?  Why is the good girl killed and the cheater still standing?  Too many whys. Just pass me the morphine.

You're a mother F

Written Jan 2004

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK, you're a mother fucking cock!
A cowardly lion afraid of himself.
The only thing you love is yourself.
A pathetic excuse you fed me in the end.
I don't want to hurt you.
Bullshit, let me translate.
You wanted to say out with the old and in with the new, I found a better you.
I'm through with you.

You make me sick, you cheating prick.
Go fuck skanks, because I'm not taking you back.
I'm too good for you, it is true because you had a good girl.
Good luck you fuck trying to find that devotion again, I tried cheat after cheat.
The grass is greener on my side, when I think of you, I see dead brown grass even cows won't eat.
You don't know the meaning of love, or even joy.
How could a nice girl like me fall for a toxic boy?

You tainted me, turned me black inside.
Isn't it a shame some other man will turn me back to sunshine?

Red Waterfall

Written Jan 2004

My dreams shattered, splattered
all over the wall behind my head.

You fed me fake love that was pure red.
You promised a million lies, but said so many goodbyes.

You ripped, dipped, gripped, and stripped my heart apart into a million pieces.
You stomped, clomped, dumped, and jumped onto it for fun, then saved the gun for last.

You shot my beating heart to a dead silence.
Your eyes were closed, but I assure you it was amazingly violent.

You killed me, we, us. Hush!
Don't speak, just watch my bloody heart leak down my body like the waterfall of heartbreak you created.

You killed my spirit too, not just my love.   It's floating in uncertainty and insanity within this very room.

You've murdered my romantic sweet love sick side.
Now I am broken just like the seashells floating away in the tide.

Secret Crush

Written in 1992 or 1993

He is the kind of man
that has a groove to his walk
and a innovative talk
A smile that is a mile
and a heart with a lock

If he gave you a raised brow look
your own eyes would instantly be hooked
And if he walked by you would sigh
You would think about everything that reminds your mind of that guy

A sensitive man that would give love from a far fetched dream scene
laying near a stream
He would kiss ever so softly from head to toe and
wrap his arms tightly and never let you go

He would smother you with so much love
he would be a perfect fit like a hand and glove
BUT
She has the key
I wish it was me.

Mindschool

Written sometime in Highschool

I walked into the classroom
An eerie scared silence loomed
Here I go again, a year to bloom
But will I?

There's a lot of people walking
All of them in my head stalking
Here I go again, all this self talking
But will it stop?

I want to join the outgoing crowd
But then again I'll never be that loud
Maybe if I lose another pound
But will anyone notice?

I'm quiet, I have ideas and opinions though
Just because I don't say much doesn't mean I'm slow
Here I go again, doubting my inner glow
But is it bright?

This year I promise to talk more
I won't be a wallflower bore
Here I go again, watching them ignore
But am I invisible?

Yes.
Yes you are!

First love

Written in 1994

Alone by the sea I stand
Eternal darkness is all I see
Sitting quietly on the damp sand
I wish you were holding me

Your touch is as hot as the tip of fired gun
You give me a feeling of warmth
Like a blanket that was just laid out in the sun
I'm sorry that I run back and forth

Your kiss is as gentle as the air
I think we can be a good pair
I do care for you quite a lot
Wether you believe that or not

At first your kisses were so new
But time was on our side, wasn't it worth the wait?
I just needed to see if you were true
And now I know I've fallen for the bait